givannibird

I have to leave. And I've already done this a bunch of times before, but I have to leave this site for good. Ah, I like writing and drawing, but I don't feel like I can do both here. Ah, I feel very conflicted at the moment about a traditional "9 to 5" and asking for donations, you that "please donate to support if you enjoy my content". I don't exactly know if I understand it, because at the moment I am whole heartedly against it. Money is at the forefront of my mind. "How can I make money?" and I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't want to draw, and I don't want to write right now. I can't focus on it. I'm constantly worrying about being yelled at or getting kicked out because I'm "not contributing to the house hold". I'm constantly worrying about never moving out because I can't bring myself to apply to another job with the possibility of hating it or getting bored with it and just quitting and my mom says I'm not allowed to quit, but I know I'll quit anyway because I can't put money over the way I feel, especially knowing that I do have a say. Especially knowing that I have the power to create my life, unique to me.

I don't want to continue living this way. I don't want to be the child who's decisions are made for them because it'll make their parents look better. I don't want to keep going back and forth between feelings of freedom and imprisonment because "I want to do what I was meant to," or "live from my soul, BUT I want to do it in the comfort of this place I don't want to be". How does that work? It doesn't. I'm dying. And I'm really struggling through this process of rebirth. I want to drop everything. I want to forget all that I've learned and start with a blank slate. I want to live in the present and stop thinking of the past and the future. I want to trust that everything will be okay. I want to trust that I'll be taken care of. I just want everything to go away. Oh my gosh. Oh my fucking gosh. Ahahaha. Augh, like dude. I just want to let go. Bullshit around. I'm really struggling with this.

So, I have to go. I don't know if I'll come back to this site when I'm ready to take on the internet again. I've permanently quit facebook, twitter, instagram, experience project. My lap top can't take gaia, it's struggling with deviantart. But this site isn't like the others, so... I don't know. If I do, I just know it won't be back on this account.

I just, I must figure out what I'm going to do with this. Like, my life. It frustrates me, how inconsistent I am, and apparently that's really important. I really can't front though, I am so tired of stopping and starting shit... I want to try harder, but at the same time I just want to let go. I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can do that. Even when the pressure is off, it's still on and I'm having a difficult time keeping my head on straight.

Sooo, I have some trials to run through, battles to hug, clairvoyance to develop,  tits to calm... shit. Ah... damn.

Aaaah... So, I know I've done this already and then blew it off, but I'm really going to focus on writing this time. I have to skip out on the internet for a bit. I'm having some trouble "lifing" and I've been watching hours and hours and HOURS of YouTube videos, lmao. Aah, like, really, no matter how ... just... eye opening, supportive, inspirational they are, even uplifting, I've been pretty much wasting a lot of time. Well, I couldn't say watching those videos I wasted a lot of time. I'd say all the videos that brought, like just nothing to the table, like holy shit, I spent hours looking for videos to distract me. XD
So, I'm going to slam the breaks on my youtube addiction and take a break from the web all together. I may be back late next month... Honestly, if I put the effort in to just put my pencil to the freaking paper, it's the end of everything as I know it. Like, it doesn't take that long for me to write. Jeez... 

Thanks for reading this, I'm going to try "lifing" again now. O.O

I feel so frustrated, and so impatient. Frankly, I don't care how much I'm "supposed" to be here, need to be here, more things to learn here, I don't want to be. I really don't believe that such resistance will change anything. So. I just am. I am here in this illusion, aware, and afraid, and at the moment, full of energy I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with.
I'm going to erase everything and start all over again. I'm going to erase everything and start all over again. I'm going to erase everything and start all over again.

'Sup guys?
 So, I've made a batch of adoptables, and a separate adoptable! I'll be making these once a week to submit to the group Fabulous-Adoptables, as their rules state. I'm a little nervous about this, but I really want to see if I can pull off something new every week, so I'm doing it! My own challenge, ahaha.

 I'll also be submitting bases to the group Adopt Smart, which I'm excited about! They'll be free to use, sooooo, freeee gaaaaayyyyyeeeem-uh?

Aaah, I wonder if I would really make adoptables once a week, or if I'll just blow through a bunch of designs in a whole week and then just stagnate XD. These first 5 adoptables don't have reference sheets, but for future ones, I think it'd be beneficial to make them so I don't just blow through a bunch of designs. I really want to be able to provide a little extra with each character. I'll try not to rush, and enjoy the time it takes to create these things.

Thanks for reading this journal! I hope you're having a good morning!
Until next time!

Hey, what's up? I just wanted to let you know that I'm making adoptables again, and that in this process I decided to keep two out of the two that I already wanted to sell! How's that for good "business practice"!? Lmao. XD
Oh my goodness, anyway, their names are Trixie and Katrina, and I think their line art is super cute, but now I've got to color them to really see, you know? It's all fun and games until you realize your color scheme is just straight trash, dear lawd, what even?
I want to have, like, "legit" art of them for you in a short amount of time, right now I am drawing them on a base I made. Aahhhh, I just wanted to let you know that that is what is coming soon O.O
I hope you're having a good day!
I'm feeling good, I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fantastic and out of my mind!

Oh! Speaking of out of my mind, do you ever make up your own or read into theories about movies, novels, games, and other media you're into? Yesterday I watched a bunch of videos on fan theories around these things, and I have to say that I am blown away. Like, what  the hell, how do you even begin to come up with it all?! My favorite one so far is Elsa and Rapunzel being sisters. Aaaaaah, your minds are so beautiful. X3