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About Varied / Hobbyist Ariona Giovanni HallFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Months
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 94 Deviations 251 Comments 972 Pageviews
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I have to leave. And I've already done this a bunch of times before, but I have to leave this site for good. Ah, I like writing and drawing, but I don't feel like I can do both here. Ah, I feel very conflicted at the moment about a traditional "9 to 5" and asking for donations, you that "please donate to support if you enjoy my content". I don't exactly know if I understand it, because at the moment I am whole heartedly against it. Money is at the forefront of my mind. "How can I make money?" and I am very uncomfortable with this. I don't want to draw, and I don't want to write right now. I can't focus on it. I'm constantly worrying about being yelled at or getting kicked out because I'm "not contributing to the house hold". I'm constantly worrying about never moving out because I can't bring myself to apply to another job with the possibility of hating it or getting bored with it and just quitting and my mom says I'm not allowed to quit, but I know I'll quit anyway because I can't put money over the way I feel, especially knowing that I do have a say. Especially knowing that I have the power to create my life, unique to me.

I don't want to continue living this way. I don't want to be the child who's decisions are made for them because it'll make their parents look better. I don't want to keep going back and forth between feelings of freedom and imprisonment because "I want to do what I was meant to," or "live from my soul, BUT I want to do it in the comfort of this place I don't want to be". How does that work? It doesn't. I'm dying. And I'm really struggling through this process of rebirth. I want to drop everything. I want to forget all that I've learned and start with a blank slate. I want to live in the present and stop thinking of the past and the future. I want to trust that everything will be okay. I want to trust that I'll be taken care of. I just want everything to go away. Oh my gosh. Oh my fucking gosh. Ahahaha. Augh, like dude. I just want to let go. Bullshit around. I'm really struggling with this.

So, I have to go. I don't know if I'll come back to this site when I'm ready to take on the internet again. I've permanently quit facebook, twitter, instagram, experience project. My lap top can't take gaia, it's struggling with deviantart. But this site isn't like the others, so... I don't know. If I do, I just know it won't be back on this account.

I just, I must figure out what I'm going to do with this. Like, my life. It frustrates me, how inconsistent I am, and apparently that's really important. I really can't front though, I am so tired of stopping and starting shit... I want to try harder, but at the same time I just want to let go. I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can do that. Even when the pressure is off, it's still on and I'm having a difficult time keeping my head on straight.

Sooo, I have some trials to run through, battles to hug, clairvoyance to develop,  tits to calm... shit. Ah... damn.

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